Getting busted for cheating

[Bueller_007]

There was an interesting TV show about this the other night. I'd not heard of it before then.

When Japanese people catch their spouse cheating on them, they have the "right" to ask the 3rd person for 慰謝料 (isharyou)--money to compensate for their psychological damage, loss of face, damage to their marriage, etc.

http://www.keiyakusho.net/isharyou.html

This isn't handled in the courts, but just between the cheater and the person who was cheated on.

The amount usually ranges from 500,000 yen (~$5,000) to 3,000,000 yen (~$30,000).

[seanolan]

LOL. This almost sounds like "after the fact" prostitution...you sampled my woman (or man) and now you owe me money.

Considering how difficult I have been told divorce is in this country, though, this doesn't surprise me. Wonder if it is per incident or per person...

Sean

[Bueller_007]

LOL. This almost sounds like "after the fact" prostitution...you sampled my woman (or man) and now you owe me money.

Considering how difficult I have been told divorce is in this country, though, this doesn't surprise me. Wonder if it is per incident or per person...

Sean

It's per incident. The point of that show was that they had a panel of lawyers, and they asked them weird legal questions.

The question is this situation was "If a woman catches her husband cheating, and gets isharyou from the other woman (50,000 yen), and then the next year, she catches her husband cheating on her with the same woman again, should the isharyou fee go up (because the woman was betrayed twice) or down (because she was foolish enough to trust that her husband would stop seeing the other woman)?"

Two lawyers on the panel said it should go up, and the other two said it should stay the same.

[metablue]

What was she supposed to do if she can't divorce him? Move her husband to a new town? Lock him in the bedroom? Put a tracking collar on him?

I guess the answer is probably "do a better job of satisfying him so he doesn't have to look elsewhere" - blech.

[Bueller_007]

I'm not sure how difficult it is to obtain a divorce in Japan. I think if it's not mutual, you just apply to family court.

If you have clear evidence that your husband is cheating on you, you can't live with him without creating a bad environment for your kid, blahblahblah, I can't imagine that they'd turn you down.

[Belton]

I first came across this idea of compensation on the problem page of the Daily Yomiuri.
I thought it was a legal thing; that you could sue a third party if they broke up your marriage. There certainly seemed a sense of obligation to pay that to me only made sense if a court compelled you.

The Yomiuri's problem page is interesting both in what is considered a problem and the solutions offered.
http://www.yomiuri.co.jp/dy/columns/advice/
(for those that can there's also the original Japanese version)

I don't know if they are representative of Japan in general or just the Yomiuri's readership, but they certainly have a different outlook on life.

[metablue]

Interesting. I didn't find the questions and answers too different though. Just the one where the daughter wanted to kill the mother, and the psychiatrist suggests at first that it might be because the daughter is left at home with the housework. It's pretty obvious that she feels trapped and sees herself as a failure next to the younger sister who is off having babies while she's been living at home with her mother, unemployed, since high school.

[Bueller_007]

I asked one of my Japanese friends about the idea of paying your way out of cheating with isharyou, and she said that she thought it was pretty strange. Also, to her, the idea that the HUSBAND would pay isharyou to the wife made much more sense in this case than the third woman having to pay the wife.

[Elfunko]

I think anyone stupid enough to give away money like that deserves someone smart enough to take it.

[saketini99]

actually, a friend of ours recently got into a situation like this... she was dating a married man, the wife found out, lost it and started divorce proceedings. The wife pretty much got everything... the apartment, the husband's share of the business (they were business partners as well) and on top of that, her family tried to get our friend to pay up as well.

She just refused. She was under no legal compunction to do so. I guess in a culture like Japan that is "shame" based, if you feel none, well... you're off the hook.

As to divorce proceedings, it's pretty simple here as long as both parties agree to it. Just like weddings. All it take is a couple of stamps from city hall.

[Bueller_007]

I guess in a culture like Japan that is "shame" based, if you feel none, well... you're off the hook.

I've always disliked this Ruth Benedict stuff.

[saketini99]

well, I guess it's a short handed way of describing the normalizing pressures of small group interactions. it's not really the most accurate way of describing social controls in Japan.

but "guilt" doesn't seem to be as big a control mechanism here as in the West.

[metablue]

I guess in a culture like Japan that is "shame" based, if you feel none, well... you're off the hook.

I've always disliked this Ruth Benedict stuff.

What's that supposed to mean?

[Bueller_007]

I guess in a culture like Japan that is "shame" based, if you feel none, well... you're off the hook.

I've always disliked this Ruth Benedict stuff.

What's that supposed to mean?

I don't believe that Japanese people are animals without a conscience controlled entirely by shame.

[metablue]

We're all influenced by things outside our control. Being influenced by shame is no different than wanting to have a nicer house and more beautiful wife than our friends. Being human isn't pretty.